Many people in today’s world are focused on every possible relationship except for the one that matters the most, the relationship they have with themselves. They are constantly asking themselves why don’t I have a girlfriend or why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why is my husband shying away from me? Is my wife having an affair? How do I get a girlfriend? How do I get a sugar daddy? Why have I not attracted the right person into my life?
I have been asked all these questions and more. My response has been and will continue to be the same. Look into the mirror and tell me what you see. Never has the response been genuinely positive. Not once have I ever heard, “someone I am happy with”.
Life as you interpret it will remain stagnant or move in uncomfortable and incorrect directions as long as you are not happy with you. If you cannot be happy with you, how can you expect someone else to be?
Most people do not even understand where they went wrong to the point they cannot happily answer that question, or why they are so unhappy with themselves. They tend to focus on the physical first, “well I got fat or I don’t like my eyes, or my smile is crooked”. Nope, I guarantee you there are plenty of Hollywood version of gorgeous people out there who will and have given me the same exact answers. Next they turn to the inward reflection, “I have no self-confidence, I’m not good enough, I use humor as a shield, I lie to those I love, I am not good enough” and now we are getting somewhere.
Everyone’s inner reflection is different. However until that inner reflection is a person that shines through and makes you smile, you will struggle in all other relationships; this is a harsh fact of life. Our relationship with our-self is ever evolving and needs constant work just as any relationship does. This relationship also happens to be one of the most complicated you will ever have to deal with.
I am sure now you are wondering how do I know where to start, or else you might even be thinking I am perfectly happy with myself. If so, can you spend an hour comfortably alone with yourself? No music, no television, no napping, and no distractions. Just yourself in a room comfortable with your own thoughts and meditations? Nine out of ten people will fail to be able to do so, and that is because they are not comfortable with themselves. Once again if you are not, how can someone else be?
If you want to improve the relationship you hold with yourself, the first thing you must realize is that this relationship is honestly one of the most complicated you will ever have; it is at the minimum a combination of psychological and physical; if you’re spiritual, there is a spiritual aspect as well.
People both consciously and subconsciously hold themselves to a higher standard than they hold anyone else to. This complicates the fuck out of the self-relationship.
To clarify this I want you to think about the act or task of forgiveness. How many times and people have you forgiven, for anything? Have you forgiven someone who lied? Someone who wronged you? Now think about yourself. Have you forgiven yourself for wronging others? Lying to someone you love? Let’s be bluntly honest here, we have all messed up in our past, no one is innocent of harming others through words or actions, and if you think you are, you are lying to yourself.
Most likely by now you either realizing you are still holding onto a lot of resentment and/or you are tying those indiscretions to moments of guilt or regret. Living with that emotional block or trauma prevents you from being able to heal your relationship within.
When you hold onto hatred and anger, they build inside you, and begin to form or morph your personality. Think of it in simple medical terms of cancer, cancerous cells multiply while destroying good cells. These negative emotions impact you in a similar manner. They can prevent you from developing healthy friendships and relationships.
Everyone in life has been wronged, and it does you no good stewing over the past. Whoever wronged or hurt you is probably long over it, does not even know they did it, or simply does not care, why should you? You need to learn from the hurtful lesson, and then move past it. If you fall down from tripping on your shoe lace while walking do you stay down, or do you tie your shoes and move on? Granted a simple analogy but true all the same.
Now for the much more difficult part, forgiving yourself. Like I mentioned earlier, no one here is innocent or an angel by any means. No matter where you are at in your relationship with whom you hurt, if it will help you, you can apologize to them and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind they do not have to forgive you, it is not your job to make them, this is for them to work on), if this is not an option or you are not comfortable with this you will have to work on forgiving yourself alone. This is much easier said than done, but is completely doable. The best steps to achieving this are figuring out two major things, one what it is that you did, and secondly why you did it.
Let us take a medium-easy example here. Say you cheated, why did you cheat. Maybe you discover it was because you were embarrassed or ashamed to ask for something specific in the bedroom, such as a role play fantasy from your significant other and strayed into easy to find territory. While it is vital that you forgive yourself for the act, it is just as important that you tackle that shame or insecurity you feel for something you desired sexually. You need to learn to accept yourself for all of your primal desires and realize there is no shame in that.
Once you can accept yourself you will feel a metaphorical weight lift from your shoulders. You may even notice your physical health beginning to improve, as the impact of stress has been lifted. The little stresses such as this that we may not think about regularly pile on quickly. As you release yourself from them, the impact to your life will be tremendous. You will also begin to see your other relationships rather platonic or romantic alter. You might notice some people treating you better, or trying to bring you back down. You will realize you deserve better and can begin to recognize and cut out toxic ties from your life, and accept healthy ones that you have avoided in.
Remember that the relationship you hold with yourself is always the most important. If you are not taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically you are unable to take care of those you love. There are appropriate times to be selfish, and as you can begin to recognize and tend to these times you will see a huge life shift and improvement.