Blog

The Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have:

Many people in today’s world are focused on every possible relationship except for the one that matters the most, the relationship they have with themselves. They are constantly asking themselves why don’t I have a girlfriend or why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why is my husband shying away from me? Is my wife having an affair? How do I get a girlfriend? How do I get a sugar daddy? Why have I not attracted the right person into my life?

I have been asked all these questions and more. My response has been and will continue to be the same. Look into the mirror and tell me what you see. Never has the response been genuinely positive. Not once have I ever heard, “someone I am happy with”.

Life as you interpret it will remain stagnant or move in uncomfortable and incorrect directions as long as you are not happy with you. If you cannot be happy with you, how can you expect someone else to be?

Most people do not even understand where they went wrong to the point they cannot happily answer that question, or why they are so unhappy with themselves. They tend to focus on the physical first, “well I got fat or I don’t like my eyes, or my smile is crooked”. Nope, I guarantee you there are plenty of Hollywood version of gorgeous people out there who will and have given me the same exact answers. Next they turn to the inward reflection, “I have no self-confidence, I’m not good enough, I use humor as a shield, I lie to those I love, I am not good enough” and now we are getting somewhere.

Everyone’s inner reflection is different. However until that inner reflection is a person that shines through and makes you smile, you will struggle in all other relationships; this is a harsh fact of life. Our relationship with our-self is ever evolving and needs constant work just as any relationship does. This relationship also happens to be one of the most complicated you will ever have to deal with.

I am sure now you are wondering how do I know where to start, or else you might even be thinking I am perfectly happy with myself. If so, can you spend an hour comfortably alone with yourself? No music, no television, no napping, and no distractions. Just yourself in a room comfortable with your own thoughts and meditations? Nine out of ten people will fail to be able to do so, and that is because they are not comfortable with themselves. Once again if you are not, how can someone else be?

If you want to improve the relationship you hold with yourself, the first thing you must realize is that this relationship is honestly one of the most complicated you will ever have; it is at the minimum a combination of psychological and physical; if you’re spiritual, there is a spiritual aspect as well.

People both consciously and subconsciously hold themselves to a higher standard than they hold anyone else to. This complicates the fuck out of the self-relationship.

To clarify this I want you to think about the act or task of forgiveness. How many times and people have you forgiven, for anything? Have you forgiven someone who lied? Someone who wronged you? Now think about yourself. Have you forgiven yourself for wronging others? Lying to someone you love? Let’s be bluntly honest here, we have all messed up in our past, no one is innocent of harming others through words or actions, and if you think  you are, you are lying to yourself.

Most likely by now you either realizing you are still holding onto a lot of resentment and/or you are tying those indiscretions to moments of guilt or regret. Living with that emotional block or trauma prevents you from being able to heal your relationship within.

When you hold onto hatred and anger, they build inside you, and begin to form or morph your personality. Think of it in simple medical terms of cancer, cancerous cells multiply while destroying good cells. These negative emotions impact you in a similar manner. They can prevent you from developing healthy friendships and relationships.

Everyone in life has been wronged, and it does you no good stewing over the past. Whoever wronged or hurt you is probably long over it, does not even know they did it, or simply does not care, why should you? You need to learn from the hurtful lesson, and then move past it. If you fall down from tripping on your shoe lace while walking do you stay down, or do you tie your shoes and move on? Granted a simple analogy but true all the same.

Now for the much more difficult part, forgiving yourself. Like I mentioned earlier, no one here is innocent or an angel by any means. No matter where you are at in your relationship with whom you hurt, if it will help you, you can apologize to them and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind they do not have to forgive you, it is not your job to make them, this is for them to work on), if this is not an option or you are not comfortable with this you will have to work on forgiving yourself alone. This is much easier said than done, but is completely doable. The best steps to achieving this are figuring out two major things, one what it is that you did, and secondly why you did it.

Let us take a medium-easy example here. Say you cheated, why did you cheat. Maybe you discover it was because you were embarrassed or ashamed to ask for something specific in the bedroom, such as a role play fantasy from your significant other and strayed into easy to find territory. While it is vital that you forgive yourself for the act, it is just as important that you tackle that shame or insecurity you feel for something you desired sexually. You need to learn to accept yourself for all of your primal desires and realize there is no shame in that.

Once you can accept yourself you will feel a metaphorical weight lift from your shoulders. You may even notice your physical health beginning to improve, as the impact of stress has been lifted. The little stresses such as this that we may not think about regularly pile on quickly. As you release yourself from them, the impact to your life will be tremendous. You will also begin to see your other relationships rather platonic or romantic alter. You might notice some people treating you better, or trying to bring you back down. You will realize you deserve better and can begin to recognize and cut out toxic ties from your life, and accept healthy ones that you have avoided in.

Remember that the relationship you hold with yourself is always the most important. If you are not taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically you are unable to take care of those you love. There are appropriate times to be selfish, and as you can begin to recognize and tend to these times you will see a huge life shift and improvement.

 

 

Hiding behind “It’s Complicated”& How to Remove Complications

Two of the scariest words in the English language when put together regarding relationships, dreams or desires is it’s complicated. In harsh reality we hide behind “it’s complicated” instead of saying the real flimsy excuse in which we are ashamed, and correctly suspect we would immediately be called out for. Instead of saying I refuse to leave her/his lying cheating butt because (I think he’ll change, I still love him, I don’t want to re-enter the dating world, I have a lot of my stuff at his apartment…etc) we word vomit it’s complicated. Instead of saying I won’t travel because (I’m scared of leaving my known little world, I don’t want to fail, etc) we hide behind money or it’s complicated as our inarguable excuse.

The fact is, life is complicated, the definition itself for complicated is “consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate” if that doesn’t describe life as a whole I don’t know what does. Life consists of family, love, relationships, religious beliefs for many, societal norms and beliefs, finances, dreams and desires–in other words intricate as fuck. So in truth, when having to juggle all these elements you will let one or two fall every once in a while, it is just a fact; I can promise you, even the most put together person you are thinking of as an example for that not to be true, has a ball or two on the ground now, it just isn’t visible to you.

This is why knowing your priorities is vital. The better you can lay out what matters the most to you, and the more organized you can make those priorities–the less complications you will have; until you master this and then may find you have none. There is a saying, especially true for us blessed enough to be in first world countries “you can have it all..” I have a very strong love/hate relationship with this saying. Yes we are lucky enough to have it all, but somewhere a long the way that got confused with “you must have it all” and this is just not true, nor should it be. You should be the focus of your own “all”. In other words what matters the most to you, to have a good life? a successful life in your eyes? a happy life? For some that will be the job that makes them rich, for some that means maybe a blue collar existence and a huge family to come home to every-night. Your own “all” shouldn’t include everyone else’s elements. Prioritize what matters in life to you, and then work on that, and you will find you have a lot less complications. If the job is the priority, work on that and don’t worry over “love”, if love is the priority come up with a plan to achieve the best success possible there, and let money take a back burner (however live within your means now).

Take a moment to note here that at some point in time your priorities will change, as this happens you must evolve with them. There is nothing wrong in life with this, it just means you have hit a different stage in life. When your younger you may be focused on working towards financial comfort and work 90+ hour work weeks, but as you have children, you may be more focused on wanting a job with more work/life balance–work with your partner to come up with good plans of action to achieve this new priority/desire. When you refuse to let go of old priorities, or re-arrange them you will find complications all of a sudden arise. Another rise of complications is caused by the “keeping up with the Jones'” mentality. As I mentioned earlier, every individual is unique, what matters to your neighbor might be flash and pizzazz and while they seem rich, they maybe drowning in debt and okay with that, while you may have a Honda instead of a Porsche, you can rest easy knowing your kids college fund is well stocked. Never focus on comparing yourself with others to find happiness, or your “all”, it will only lead to complications and disharmony.

If you ever find yourself thinking it is all too much, and need help creating an action plan or realizing your true potential and priorities let me know, I have worksheets, tools, and pas history to help you settle into a comfortable life, no matter where you are in life.

 

Addictions & Attachments:How to Unblock Your Path

As we approach a new year many people become focused on improving themselves and their lives. While this is often done in the form of resolutions, these resolutions frequently and subconsciously are about fighting a certain addiction or attachment.

The most classic example of this would be diet, everyone loves to resolve to eat healthier and lose weight. At the core of this resolution is I want to eat less sweets therefore I will lose weight, and I should exercise more. One of the most addictive substances, even more so than cocaine, is refined sugar. I myself even struggle with an addiction here. This lack of knowledge means people do not even realize what they are actually fighting or the root cause of their problem, and they will ultimately fail. If you do not realize the root causing your problem you can not properly attack the issue. Think of it as a sinking boat, you can throw all the water coming in out, but until you plug the hole, the boat will continue to sink.

These holes in your boat until fixed properly will prevent you from traveling your full path to your goal destination. There are many different ways you can work on healing yourself from these or any addictions and attachments, today we will cover some of these methods and get you sailing on your way to a stronger, healthier you.

To successfully heal from any addiction or attachment you need to have two major realizations, addictions and attachments are either or both psychological and chemical responses in your brain related to that behavior or substance, and secondly that your general idea of what is the problem needs to be drilled down to the root problem (i.e. the water sinking the boat is not the problem, the hole in the hull is the problem–your weight is not the problem your addiction to sugary foods or lack of discipline is). Once you know what the true issue is, you can now go about fixing it.

Each person responds to stimuli internally and externally differently, but all can go about approaching these fixes the same way:

  1. Ask yourself what is your resolution/goal? Write this down and study it.
  2. Why is the goal big or has posed a problem for you in the past? i.e. why are you struggling with this addiction you wish to abandon in particular?
    1. Here is where you need to do some self study. Really drill down into your own destructive behaviors and ask yourself why have you struggled, have you set yourself up in situations to fail, and how strong is your discipline?
  3. Once you identify this origin of weakness you need to define a plan of action to fight it. For specific actions and items please feel free to message me and we can come up with a plan to help you.
  4. Define mini-subgoals that will allow you to track and see progress to your main goal.
  5. If you are a rewards person, define a healthy reward system for each mini-subgoal met.

While going through all of this especially at the beginning I highly suggest finding a support group, or place to seek sanctuary where you can regather your internal strength.

Once you have overcome, now you are going to be open to new challenges and a better path in your life. You will be able to define new career goals, health goals and see them easier achieved in better health and saner light.

As always feel free to contact me with any questions, I also have many sobriety coaches I work closely with, whom I can recommend if you need 24/7 assistance.

Live a Life in Balance 🙂

–The Relationship Accountant

Relationship Priority & Maintenance: Life & Love After Children

Today we are going to discuss a very difficult topic for couples with children, relationship priority and maintenance. After having a child whether by plan or a spectacular surprise your life, especially your love life, cannot and will not remain the same. When you change one variable so drastically all others must change as well. These changes do not have to be negative, and today we will navigate how to keep them positive.

First we are going to the harsh truth out of the way—your relationship must remain a priority. You are in a commitment with someone who has either literally or figuratively pledged themselves to you. You do not get to ignore that because you brought a new life into the world. Instead you adapt to the new life you two have brought in. I can literally feel the upset as this is being read, but bear with me here and read all the way through. I am not saying that your child shouldn’t be a top priority, what I am saying is your spouse/significant other should remain the same priority they held before. This is a very unpopular and hard to accept truth, but this truth if you can take it and make it yours will save your relationship.

The main reason for this being your child should grow up to be a mature healthy adult, form relationships of their own, and leave you. Then you will be left with your significant other, once again alone. Now you can either face someone you have loved and cherished through the happiness, perils, and traumas of raising a child, or you can face someone you ignored and made to feel inferior; which would you rather have looking back at you?

The other significant reasoning behind this one, and a very hard subject is the loss of a child. To anyone reading this who has lost a baby, my heart bleeds for you and there are no words—you loss is purely unimaginable. Now should this tragedy occur to you and your significant other, all you have left is each other. The way you have treated each other up to this point is the base/foundation for which you have to stand on while trying to find your legs again. You need this to be a strong base. If it is not, it will become a relationship full of hate, regret, guilt, and accusations. If it is strong it is a relationship that will flourish into something so beautiful you literally glow amidst each other.

Now let’s discuss the actual maintenance itself. After having the child you have to communicate with each other and decide that you are a priority and what is the best course of action for you to continue feeling loved and like a priority. For many couples this is the infamous “date night”. I personally highly recommend this method. Now I hear multiple mothers going, “but Cathy I can’t leave my darling child, my most precious part of me with a sitter” and let me stop you there, yes you can. For those of you who are lucky enough to have family to watch after your little one, do not abuse this, but use it for sure. For those who don’t, children have been left with sitters since the beginning of time and survived. Children have been left with family and not survived; blood relations do not affect the outcome of this. There are multiple services with professionals who can get you a dedicated child care taker for the evening. For those who are on kid 2 or 3 you know the babysitter on your street does just fine.

A very important aspect to keeping intimacy emotionally and physically alive is lying down a very important boundary, and that is your bedroom. Many parents struggle with this, and I get it, it is so much easier to just give in on this, but do not. That is you and your significant other’s sacred space. This is where you have cried together, loved each other, and held each other in lust, fear, anguish, and love. Do not violate this space. Once you do it is psychologically and subconsciously altered for you both, and not in a good way. You need a space where you feel special, and like the people you were before the baby. If you turn this into your child’s haven it is no longer your haven. When you are facing those nights where sex isn’t going to happen and sickness or night mares reign king, sleep in the living room or their room as a family; use this a building block to establish both parents as strong pillars in their eyes.

I have touched on this in a prior blog, but am going to make a note here to of it—self-care is vital to maintaining your relationship. Gentleman, if you have been in need and you want some, do not underestimate the power of drawing a bubble bath, pouring her a glass of wine, and keeping the kids away from her for an hour—you probably could even get extra kinky that night. Women if you are lucky you have a good strong man who had contributed to child care and he needs a rest as well; send him out with the boys for some beer or poker and give him a mental break from the exhaustion. Whatever works for each partner, ensure that you help them have the ability to take that time.

Make sure you take time at least once a day to show your partner some appreciation, even if it is in the form of kind words or a small token, and once a week spend some alone time together—you need to make this a priority. If you need a justification think about this, you do this you build a better relationship, your children grow up seeing a healthy example to emulate and form their own healthy relationships.

As always feel free to email or reach out with any questions! If you have a topic you would like to see in the blog send a suggestion in the contact page!

Subscribe to be alerted to new posts, challenges and contests!!!

Why Everyone Needs a Life Coach

A question that I encounter a lot is why would I want a life coach? I get this question countlessly in many different forms, or statements about how a coach is worthless or just a non-degreed want to be therapist. Today I want to tackle these misconceptions of need or undermining what a coach can do versus a therapist can do.

First I will discuss why everyone including you should invest in a life coach. That investment I mentioned is actually an investment in yourself, you are hiring an expert to assist you in meeting new goals or moving past a roadblock in your life that will make you the best possible version of yourself. This will effectively lead to a new found confidence which can lead to a better job, better life choices that improve your health saving you future costs in medical bills. The far-vision of hiring a coach is limitless.

Now think about this for a minute, when you want to begin to work out you get a trainer (coach) or go to classes to be coached or buy multiple DVD’s/Programs to be coached in the comfort of your home, when you want to learn any new skill (i.e. playing a musical instrument, sewing, cooking, martial arts, archery, or new education) you seek out teachers or someone with expertise (coaches). So why when you easily seek and pay for help in these areas of life wouldn’t you get help for the major events going on in life itself? Life is the defining moments that make you who you are, don’t you want to have the best of those moments and succeed in your trials? A coach is who will help you make these achievements, anything from securing a better career, obtaining that ever sought after life-balance, getting/fixing your relationships, increasing your wealth. These are the moments in life most want to excel in and few think to invest in.

Secondly let me tackle the coach being a want to be therapist or counselor. Many coaches (including myself) are either working towards a MA or PhD in Psychology and could be licensed therapist or counselor if so desired. However there are many regulations that restrict what a therapist or counselor may help you with; especially advice. If you have ever been to a session you will notice all a therapist will do is ask you questions, but never really actually help guide you a certain way. While like a therapist a good coach will never tell you what to do, but they can be more harshly honest about what might be a better choice and why. A life coach isn’t someone solely worried about the one aspect of your mental health, but a professional who wants to assist you as a whole person in every aspect, and by choosing the profession of life coaching versus counseling can do so.

So next time you find yourself in a rut or needing some advice think about employing a life coach for an hour or two to help you—see what the right coach can actually accomplish with you in your life!

The Importance of Self-Care

Self-care has somehow become a highly divisive and touchy topic for many people. I was sitting in an office when I heard two women who began to argue about this. Being nosy I pretended to continue to read my book while listening to a pro/con debate amongst a topic that I actually discuss with most of my clients. I wanted to hear how both sides viewed this topic, because rarely do I have a female client who is pro self-care. Male clients usually have the interest of learning how to pursue it, or already are; while female clients truly struggle with this concept.

First let me define what the concept of self-care is for those who are new to the topic. Self-care is the act of taking care of yourself; in popular definition it has however become defined more as the act of taking care of yourself before others—and this is the topic I want to discuss.

I’m sure now the light bulbs are going off on why it is harder for females to grasp and accept this belief—it’s the moms. Non-moms and single women do not struggle near as much with this concept as the moms or women who have someone (usually a family member) that they care for. As much as people try to defy any given gender role or belief the stereotypes still exist because they are mostly true. Women are nurturers by nature more often than not. The “motherly instinct” comes out as naturally as breathing. The fun fact here for me is, when a male client struggles with self-care, it has been single fathers. That need to tend to your child overrides all egotistic self-interest. However the irony rest in the fact that if you don’t take care of yourself first—you can’t take care of anyone the way you want or that they deserve.

I like to compare it to the oxygen mask on airplanes. If you have ever taken an airplane ride you will be familiar with the concept, if you have not allow me to explain. Before takeoff the flight attendants give a speech on the safety rules and regulations. One of these rules are should something cause the oxygen mask to drop and you have a child or dependent with you, put  your mask on first—if you do not you may not be able to put on theirs effectively killing you both. Now while this example is extreme it paints the shocking picture needed usually to make the client really hear the message.

When you decide to skip your session at the gym, ignore that hour of meditation, for-go the you time bath with a relaxing glass of wine, skip your eye appointment for theirs, or any activity that allows you to relax of take care of your health for the “sake” of your child or dependent you are doing them no favors. If you feel like you are, allow me to inform you that you are lying to yourself. Eventually continually avoiding out on these little here or there moments add up and the bill to pay for it will be large.

This concept is hard for many people to grasp as it is intangible, so allow me to provide you with a more tangible example of how small things add up. You buy a cup of that special mocha whipped coffee every day on the way to work, with tax it’s roughly $5 dollars. This is fine because it is a daily charge and you only do it on the weekdays for the most part. You work hard for your money and should be able to spend it on things like this. Now life hits, you have a HDHP (high deductible health plan) since they don’t take money out of your check and you like seeing more money in that bank account. Plus you can save that $100 dollar a month instead. Now you are in the hospital and owe your $1,500 deductible. Of course something happened each month and you would save that $100 you were supposed to next month. Remember that daily coffee? If you had made your own at home you would have paid for $1,300 dollars of this deductible ($5 dollars x 5 days a week x 52 weeks a year) now you only have to charge or pull from savings $200 which is easier. See how quickly something so little adds up? This exact principle adds to your health. Life inevitably happens. If you take care of yourself all along, you will be well prepared for the major event.

Most likely, you are wondering how this applies to not taking the best care of my kid. Well here is your answer. You decided you didn’t need to go the gym anymore so your kid can do both soccer and swim lessons, and you’re patting yourself on the back for being such a giving and good parent. After all you can do a Beach Body work out at home right? Well each day you are going to do it tomorrow—you’re too tired at first, then dinner needs to get made, then your little Johnny needs help with homework. To top it off you kept eating like you were going to the gym (it is habit by now). Then you get a call from your doctor a week after your yearly physical and find yourself at your doctors discussing the negative results. Your blood came back, your diabetic, have hypertension, and dangerously high cholesterol. The insulin you need isn’t covered by insurance and between that and the pills for cholesterol and hypertension you are looking at a new monthly payment equivalent to a small car. Guess what has to go—little Johnny’s soccer and swim lessons. So now instead of being able to participate and excel in just one activity he gets to participate in neither. Their social and leadership skills developed at such activities are no longer being acquired and worked on. The pride he feels at a win is no longer there; instead there is a resentment at you (as your scoffing go yeah right—keep in mind I am giving you a real life example—yup OH SHIT!)

A harsh lesson we all learn over and over is that life doesn’t pause the hard moments because we need it to. There is a reason we have the saying “when it rains it pours”. When you have a monsoon season, it helps to have stocked up little by little and it is easier to weather. So remember the next time you think you are being a rock star by not being “selfish” re-align your thinking. If you really want to be able to take care of others and provide the best possible, be a little “selfish” and participate in some self-care.

As always feel free to email me any questions or topics you would like to see discussed!

What & Who Is The Relationship Accountant: Romance & Finance Coach?

 

  Hello & Welcome to my first and continuously updated blog post! I am Cathy Martin, aka the Relationship Accountant. I serve as a life coach, but specialize in relationships and finance due to my personnel and finance background from the scholarly & executive worlds.

Applying real world experience that I have obtained I have helped clients improve their familial, romantic, & business relationships as well as their financial situations by applying simple accounting principles to life as a whole.

Stay tuned for exciting news, contests and more!!!

**New Contest**
Would you like a free session with a life coach? Currently working on my certification I am willing to give 1 free session to new potential clients!!!

The first 4 to email me after seeing this post will receive either 1 Free 1 hour session or 2 Free 1/2 hour sessions (customer choice!!)